How can parents and children strike the perfect balance?

What is the ideal relationship between parents and children, especially in this age of social media and its influencers? What should guide both parents and children to strike a perfect balance that benefits both?

I n Ghana, our ancestors have a saying rich in philosophy: “What an elder sees sitting down, the child can’t see standing up.” The philosophy embedded in this saying is that children are limited in many of the ways of the world: they lack experience, they lack wisdom, they lack perspective. It is a pointer to how the relationship between parents and children should be conducted.

Children are driven by youthful exuberance most of the time, and because they lack experience that gives foresight, they can’t see far. They look at today, the here-and-now.

They lack wisdom. Wisdom comes through age, through successes and failures, through mistakes, through getting things done right, through joys, and through tears.

The compendium of this experience gives birth to wisdom, which evades the young because they don’t have many years on their side. An African proverb says: “Every time an old man dies, it is as if a library has burnt down.”

It is therefore incumbent on parents to have a love-security-respect-and-guidance relationship with their children. I will explain.

Not long ago, somebody on TikTok posted a clip on what the relationship between parent and child should be, using the example of a mother-cocoa-tree and her offshoot.

The mother-cocoa-tree knows that she will die someday, so she gives birth to her offshoot to replace her when she is gone. If the offshoot grows up and despises his mother and ancestors or their ways, it will not end well with him, because the truest identity of the mother and the ancestors is also the truest identity of the offshoot.

The young cocoa tree should therefore recognise and respect its roots, i.e., the roots and ways of the mother and the ancestors, if it is to prosper.

The young should not be shallow-rooted because that way brings trouble. The young should rather appreciate the old generation and tap into their deepest roots and ways, and should not lose awareness of where they come from. After all, another African proverb says, “The White man never forgets Europe”.

Parents should consciously have a replacement plan (through their children) because they are mortal. And children should not lose consciousness of their roots because a shallow-rooted tree has a short lifespan.

With such a worldview, the relationship between parents and children then becomes one of mutual self-interest. Parents want (or should want) to perpetuate themselves through their children, and children must recognise and respect their roots because therein lies long life and prosperity.

Therefore, for the parents’ replacement plan to be effective, they should start with love, security, respect, and guidance in bringing up the children. Children need love and security at home. They may be tiny, but they are still human beings who need respect and should not be kicked around at the flimsiest whim or excuse.

The Bible says to Christians: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” All other religions have their own interpretations. The Quran says, “Heaven lies under the feet of your mother” – thus making it incumbent for the followers of that religion to not only honour their mothers, but, by extension, all women.

Importance of discipline

Which brings us to the all-important factor of guidance. How can parents provide this? Through love, security, respect, and more importantly, discipline. The same philosophy that says to train the child in the way they should go also says: “spare the rod and spoil the child”. Or, if we want the expanded version: “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”

This leads to the modern and vexing debate of ‘to smack or not to smack’. In the Western world (or most of it), smacking has become a dirty word, and the practice is outlawed, but if we stick to the Biblical line, it says “be careful to discipline”. Yes, children need discipline; otherwise, we will not have a world to bequeath to them.

In ancient times, a rod or staff (like a shepherd’s) was used to guide, protect, and gently steer sheep rather than just inflict pain. Thus, a parent’s ‘discipline’ should correct, not harm or crush. Parents should be firm but with warmth. They should be the authority yet leave the door open for children to approach them.

In short, they should be approachable yet set boundaries. They should teach what is wrong and what is right, and not compromise on these values and principles.

I remember when growing up, our father never smacked us; our mother did. But our father had a way of keeping all 10 of us children in check. He would open his eyes in such a way that you would stop whatever foolish thing had overtaken you. The look on his face was the smack.

So parents are enjoined to teach life disciplines to their children, i.e., character, life skills, respect for the elderly and community and nation, faith, and how to handle successes and mistakes. The best way to teach, however, is for parents to be models of what they teach. Parents should remember that children watch them more than they hear them.

You can’t teach children not to steal while you are stealing from work. In fact, an African proverb says, “If you steal while carrying your son on your back, you teach him to steal”. You can’t tell children not to lie while you tell lies to their mother. It doesn’t work.

On their part, children are enjoined to honour their parents. They toil and make sacrifices (financial, time, social, work, and material) in bringing up children. Granted, there are some toxic parents about, but most parents are correct and proper and deserve the adoring attention of their children.

Caring for the old

Thank God Africa has not yet come to the depressing point of the Western example, where children pack their elderly parents into old people’s homes to spend their last and miserable days on earth. Mercifully, old people’s homes are a rarity in Africa today – we still live with our old people at home, not in institutions. Long may this continue.

And long may it also continue, the practice of looking after our parents (financially and otherwise) in their old age. A Westerner may not adequately understand this – because in the West, the social welfare system takes care of people generally, including parents and old people who may not have pensions.

In Africa, social welfare systems paid for by the state are a rarity or non-existent. Thus the adage, “I look after you for your teeth to grow, and you look after me when my teeth begin to fall”, is very much the order of the day.

Parents invest all they have in the upbringing of their children, and children reverse-invest in parents in their old age as a way of saying thank you for all that they did in raising them.

May the children who continue to take this adage to heart and honour their parents be blessed. Your days will be long on this earth and it will go well with you. Always remember: what you do for your parents today, your own children will also do for you tomorrow. The measure you give is the measure you receive.

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